Tuesday 29 January 2013

New Government Client Has Problems...

A G+ post about this ridiculous concept of advertising to keep immigrants away from the UK made me wonder.  If the Government came to me to ask my advice on how to build an effective Adwords Account structure for this campaign, how might that conversation go?

Me: "Hello, Cobnut Web Services, you're talking to Jon, how can I help you?"
Caller:  "Oh, hello, yes, er... we're thinking of doing some advertising, can you help?"
Me:  "That's what I do, can you give me some details?"
Caller:  "Well, we're a large western Government and we'd like to keep foreign types away."
Me:  "I see.  Would you be targeting any particular 'foreign types' or would it only be the ones you don't get on with?"
Caller:  "Well, obviously we'd mainly want to stop people who are trying to escape from poverty or persecution.  They tend not to have any money and make the place look untidy."
Me:  "Do you have any countries in mind?"
Caller: "Oh, I don't know, Bulgaria, Romania, perhaps?"
Me:  "OK, I think you'd be looking at a Search only campaign for this project."
Caller: "Um, what?"
Me:  "It's when your Ads appear when people put search words into Google."
Caller:  "Ah, yes, spot on.  Good man."
Me:  "Do you have any ideas for what you might want to use as Keywords?"
Caller:  "Can't you do that for us?  We're not really that good with computers because a lot of them are made overseas."
Me:  "How about 'feed my children', or perhaps 'willing to work hard to survive'?"
Caller:  "Hmm, are you sure those are on the right lines?  We were thinking more of 'get money for free' or 'job stealing'."
Me:  "No, I'm pretty sure if you want to attract these sort of people you'll find most of them are just trying to make a better life for themselves and their families."
Caller:  "Oh, OK, you're the expert!"
Me:  "Now, I've got an idea for some Ad copy, how do you like the sound of:  'Stay Away From Britain, It's Run By Bigoted Idiots'."
Caller:  "Um, now hang on, we were thinking of focusing on the weather and unemployment."
Me:  "OK, how about 'Stay Away From Britain, It's Run By Bigoted Idiots, It's Rains A Lot.'.  We could do another Ad Variation to cover the unemployment issue."
Caller:  "Could we drop the whole 'bigoted idiots' thing?"
Me:  "Not really, I think it'd really hurt your click-through-rate."
Caller:  "OK, when could you start?"
Me:  "What's your daily budget?"
Caller:  "Oh, I don't know, £10,000 a day?"
Me:  "Paid for by the taxpayers I presume?"
Caller:  "Oh, yes, of course."
Me: "Ah, damn, I've just noticed something.  Apparently your Account is likely to be suspended by Google."
Caller:  "Oh no!  Why?"
Me:  "Because it violates Google's 'Anti' Policy, about advocating against an organization, person, or group of people."
Caller:  "We'll have to think of something else then."
Me:  "Yes, perhaps that would be best."

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